Carl asked me today what I thought of the world, and I told him I thought it was a horrible place filled with people doing unspeakable things to one another for any reason or no reason, and there was no sense to it and no way to avoid it. But then, I added, there are the wonderful things -- like the family that we've made, and the peace we generate in our home and surroundings. It is the one redeeming thing about the world, the fact that we have... what exactly? A safe place to be? A shelter away from horrible things? A moment of ease and comfort? What we provide for each other cannot be purchased, and is worth more than all the oil in Iraq or anything else for that matter. Without the family we make together, I could not live in this world. Whenever I am down, or simply exhausted from living every day, Carl helps me to rest my mind. He reminds me of joy, snowflakes, baby pecking, green grapes. He sticks by me, even when things are not going my way. He thinks of the things I cannot dream about any more and reminds me. He keeps me from destroying myself, sometimes, and he teaches me to live well. It all boils down to what makes us happy, and petty middle class aspirations clearly don't. Let's move away from here and leave all that behind.

Well, no progress to speak of on the business side. At least the taxes are all together now and I can take them in to be prepared any time I'd like. I believe I will take them in Monday. Whew. Hopefully refunds will be forthcoming. One can always hope. I am excited about the lab job, and I know I will ace the interview. They liked me already the first time around, and I am a good bet. I go back and forth about the house. The RE agent we're working with sent us some cool houses to look at that are very similar to ours but about half the price (or less). They will need a bit more TLC than this house, but I'll have the time for it. We stand to make a good chunk on our house, so we can put all that toward the new house and really reduce our monthly load. Won't that be a pleasure? On the other hand, I love this house, too. It is charming and unique and has real personality. It fits us so well, and we are enjoying life here, even if it is a struggle now and again, and we can never take a vacation. Travel stresses us all out anyway. We just end up yelling at each other when there is a trip to take. Who needs it? Many questions, no answers. But writing about it helps.

So, we are thinking of making a "lifestyle change" -- selling our big, bloated 1914 American Foursquare in the fancy neighborhood and buying something more reasonable in a less prestigious area. All this so I can stay home, take care of the kids, and go back to school for my masters in International Studies and Politics with a focus on the Far East and technology development (especially in the biological sciences). Hey, and while we are at it, we could have another baby or two before I get too old (I'd rather not have babies after say, 35 or 36). On the other hand, if I get the job at the lab (I return for a second interview Wednesday), we can stay put and continue to struggle along in this gigantic house. Hmmm. If I get the job, that means perhaps we only have one more baby, since I will be reaching my upper limit by the time my contract ends. Hmmm. Hmmm. Much to think about. We have about another month or two of my being unemployed before we hit a serious wall with this house, so we have a bit of time. Homes in this neighborhood go in about 5 minutes flat, with multiple bids often driving up the price. And, for a house that is approaching its 100th birthday, there are remarkably few issues (and a fair number of closets). All in all, a good position to be in, considering. Still a lot to think about, and I also want to track my progress in sewing up the business I sold in 2000. Bits of it continue to hang over my head, and I really want to get out from under that stressful mess. Perhaps if I track myself here, I will be able to make some progress.