She is a tenacious bitch, that is for sure. The D/s relationship is powerful, strong, seductive, but wholly wrong for me. That doesn't make me crave it any less at times.

I think part of my craving stems from some of the deep fears I have, fear of rejection, fear of failure. Part of it stems from the tight binding of pain, humiliation, and the subjugation of my will with love, care, and concern for my well-being. It is the ultimate escape for me, the ultimate pleasure, because I no longer have to fear rejection, I no longer have to worry about decisionmaking or making mistakes (since it takes free will to do those things). I am clearly loved, cherished, and delightfully absolved of the responsibilities one who takes care of herself would have. Corrections come, whether I do wrong or not. Punishment happens, denial of my desires happens, no matter what happens, because that is the desire and wish of my Dom. It doesn't have to make sense to me, because of what it says to me on an instinctive, primitive level: I see you there, you are important to me, you are worthy of my attention in this form, or that one, whichever form I desire. I'll open you up with pain, I'll open you up with humiliation, I'll open you up with gentleness, and you will do my bidding because it is your nature.

I can see the killing of kitten will take a long time, since kitten has been burned into me over the course of many years.