She is a tenacious bitch, that is for sure. The D/s relationship is powerful, strong, seductive, but wholly wrong for me. That doesn't make me crave it any less at times.

I think part of my craving stems from some of the deep fears I have, fear of rejection, fear of failure. Part of it stems from the tight binding of pain, humiliation, and the subjugation of my will with love, care, and concern for my well-being. It is the ultimate escape for me, the ultimate pleasure, because I no longer have to fear rejection, I no longer have to worry about decisionmaking or making mistakes (since it takes free will to do those things). I am clearly loved, cherished, and delightfully absolved of the responsibilities one who takes care of herself would have. Corrections come, whether I do wrong or not. Punishment happens, denial of my desires happens, no matter what happens, because that is the desire and wish of my Dom. It doesn't have to make sense to me, because of what it says to me on an instinctive, primitive level: I see you there, you are important to me, you are worthy of my attention in this form, or that one, whichever form I desire. I'll open you up with pain, I'll open you up with humiliation, I'll open you up with gentleness, and you will do my bidding because it is your nature.

I can see the killing of kitten will take a long time, since kitten has been burned into me over the course of many years.

Killing Kitten

I am seeing someone about killing kitten. C is not interested in her death (because he feels she is an integral part of me), but I want to be complete without her. I want to be just one person, whole, without the silly little bitch whining about having to grade papers and be all dom around people and how exhausting it is. I am sick to death of it. I am sick of dealing with stress by letting someone hurt and humiliate and enslave me so I can relax and feel free. I don't like feeling out of control and that is exactly the way I was feeling a few weeks ago. I feel much better now, even though I hadn't finished grading until yesterday, and that is what usually stresses me out the most.

So I say, death to you, kitten, you sad little slut. I will kill you, no matter what it takes.

I have been feeling the irresistible pull of submissiveness lately, and, while I wish at times it wasn't there, I sometimes feel so much better when it is.

This movie, Secretary, shows it just right. Lee is so incredibly not whole at the beginning, but when she embraces her role as a sub, you can just see the change in her. It encompasses her whole being. There are times when I feel very much like the Lee at the beginning of the film, incomplete, broken, even. Knowing I am in need of something I don't have and can't get for myself. When Lee lifts her dress, peels down her stockings and panties and looks... I saw it in her eyes, I've seen that expression on my own face. I've been that pleased with what I saw, I've known it and loved it.

There is only one way to be complete when I am like this. Unfortunately it is incompatible with the life I chose for myself.

So, it has been a long, long time since I posted here. We have a whole nother baby now, that makes four! Things are crazy but fun.

I am (at the moment) loving my job and enjoying the freedom it grants me. Like today... I left at 1:15 to relieve the babysitter and stayed with RJ and AJ all afternoon. The girls came home at 1:45 (today is their early day off from school) and we all piled in the van and went to Fluffy Donuts for (what else?) donuts. Then it was home for a bit to sort out the donuts (we had snack duty at Hebrew School), grab drinks, take a bathroom break (AJ is potty trained now, hallelujah!) and rest for 10 minutes. Then everyone piled in the van again for the trip to the shul, I jettisoned the girls and the donuts and the drinks, then took RJ and AJ to Noah's to get bagels and check on my challah order. It's a good thing I did, too, because they hadn't put me back on the schedule yet. At least they had all the good kinds of bagels still left, so we got three good grains, three wheat sesame, a couple of poppy, three chocolate chip, a cinnamon sugar and a plain wheat (I think). AJ was thrilled with the chocolate chip idea, but since he'd just had a donut with sprinkles... well, there was no way! How much rocket fuel does one kid need? Then we went home, because both AJ and RJ were feeling a bit sleepy. We decided on Aladdin (the Disney version), and sat down to watch for a bit. It was so great just sitting there with my two little ones, taking care of my kids. Myself. You can't beat it.

Feeling really bad today. Boss is driving me crazy with this stupid web project. I so don't want to be here today. Ugh. Got projects due for school and I am spending way too much time playing with Dreamweaver and banging my head against a wall. Can't wait for my break. I am very tired of dealing with people. It is exhausting.

Reading Queen Bees and Wanabes, and I have a feeling it is going to be depressing, but I am still looking forward to seeing what the book has to say. Lil woke up with a stomachache again today. I think she keeps her feelings inside and never seems sad or upset. I think that contributes. Well, I will call the doc shortly to see what the nurse has to say about it. Tums seems to work, so we will continue with that, I think, until it stops working for her.

The baby is moving all around in there today. I can really feel it now. This week is 15 weeks, so I still have a while to go. I am alternately excited and worried. We will see what happens as things progress.

The denial on my scholarship request for the spring semester has everyone really bent out of shape, still. I am pretty sad, too, because it seems that if you work for the place you ought to get at the very least whatever courses your family wants to take. Grr.

GRR-- my tuition assistance has been denied!

After all that trouble to get admitted to the damn MA program and now they are denying tuition assistance!! Wow. Poor Carl is really pissed. And I don't blame him one bit. First they take away his travel money so he has to pay out of his own pocket to travel, now this, too? It is amazing. Well, pack your bags, New Zealand here we come. I guess he may seriously start looking for a new job if this is not resolved quickly and in his favor.

In other news, I am feeling ok, though a bit headachy. I actually have been sleeping well the last several nights so that helps. The web pages for SRF are coming along ok, too, and should be done in plenty of time. The only thing I have to worry about is getting my paper done for David's class. It is due next Monday, and I have not yet written page one. Got to have 20 pages by Monday. Whew. Don't know where I will get the time to actually write it, but somehow I will get it done. I have to finish reading Pale Fire as well. All the while I read it, I remember why I never liked Nabokov -- after a while even I get sick of navel gazing, and it just seems to go on and on. Sigh. His ideas are so cool, it is too bad the execution is so... so.... dull. Cannot wait to put American Lit behind me once and for all. Goodbye American dream! Good riddance.

The baby is doing great. The girls are doing great. Carl, besides being pissed, is doing great. Hanukkah has begun and it is wall to wall festivities for the next week or so. I need to call Angelico's to see how much we owe on the cello. Then it is Aunt Syl for the funds so we can afford it. The damn instrument is $950! Sigh.

I had the most horrible dream on Friday night. I dreamed I had a miscarriage and lost the baby. It was so real that it woke me up and the whole next day I was really bothered by it -- my whole mood was affected. I had the dream because I was worried about something the doctor said to me on Thursday about my cervix being inflamed, and how some studies have shown that this can cause premature labor. I was upset because when I got that pap originally, the folks at the Jones said nothing at all about the inflamation. I guess I just worried about it without really thinking about it and out my worries came in this horrific dream. Just the absolute worst. Gah. Anyway, I am feeling much better now because I talked with Elizabeth and she explained what happened and why the pap might show inflamation. I just did not understand what happened or how serious it might be. She reassured me that everything was fine, and she figured it was not serious enough to even mention because inflamation like that can be caused by sex, which made me feel a lot better. Whew. I should not drive myself crazy with this stuff. I am having a good pregancy. The baby is doing great. I am doing great. Just let it go.

Yesterday was a great day. I went to see a talk by the author of Odd Girl Out. and it was great! I have lots to talk to Lil about, but she is still not quite old enough for all this stuff to be a really big deal. But one thing the author said did make me prick up my ears -- she said that if your daughter is always choosing the meanest girl for her friend, that she might benefit from some counseling. Lil is always picking the meanest girl for her best friend. It started first in preschool with Sophia, then Rachel and Dara and Becka in K -- it is like she picks the hardest cases to be friends with. Why? There are so many nice girls in her class, and she has to take up with Dara, who is so mean, I cannot have her over to the house anymore because she creates so much strife. She turns my daughters against each other and everyone is made miserable. Well, I can tell you, this talk was a real eye opener for me.

Winter is approaching fast, Hanukkah just a day away now, and excitement has reached a fever pitch at home. Presents, thankfully, are generally wrapped and ready, and shopping, thank the Lord, is done. I am thinking about Latkes and donuts and Hanukkah gelt, and all the wonderful things that go along with the holiday. Also, just 21 days until the GRE. I had better get with the math!!